Hazards of DressUp
by Lover of Angelus
Summary: A stuffy military function. A fight. Booze. And the morning after. RoyEd. YAOI YAOI YAOI.


**Title**: Hazards of Dress-Up

**Disclaimer**: Me no own, you no sue

**Warning**: YAOI; language

**Note**: Inspired by Arathe's "A Hundred Different Ways" number 17. Also, LT Col. Bodaka is my own character, as is Sergeant Berkley.

-z-

Ed shot a sidelong glare at Roy, irritated at being dragged to a stuffy military function, but Roy merely smiled apologetically, deft fingers stroking his neck soothingly, and Ed decided it could be worse. But one look at the food spread and Ed's fake grin turned real and slightly malicious.

Just as he went to tackle the table, Roy's hand tightened on his neck and jerked him around, steering the boy into the other direction.

"Not fair, bastard," Ed hissed, trying to turn back around but was immediately stopped by the ever-tightening grip of the colonel.

"I'll feed you when this is over," Roy said through his smile, patting someone Ed didn't recognize on the back. "Besides, we don't want to mess up that brand new uniform of yours, now do we?"

Ed growled, absently tugging at the collar of the military dress uniform he had been forced to buy for the occasion.

"Colonel Mustang!" an eager cry came from behind the pair. Both alchemists turned around to be met with a jolly looking older man, his uniform tight around his gut and his rosy face covered with a thin sheet of sweat.

"Sergeant Berkley," Roy's smile was genuine as he stuck out his hand, though to Edward's dismay, it wasn't the one gripping his neck. "Nice to see you, my friend. How are things?"

"Good, good!" the sergeant shook Roy's hand enthusiastically. "And would this be the Fullmetal Alchemist everyone's talking about?" his little eyes turned to Ed.

"It is," Roy smirked, looking down at his protege, "say 'Hello,' Fullmetal."

"Hello," Edward extended his auto mail hand which was promptly swallowed by large meaty fists.

"Trying to keep him in line?" Berkley nodded at Roy's hand.

Roy smirked again, "Edward may not look like it, but he's quite the escape artist."

"It's always a good idea to keep a dog on a leash," a harsh voice interrupted the conversation. The voice belonged to Lieutenant Colonel Bodaka, a man who was known throughout the army for his vehement disgust of all state alchemists.

"Lieutenant Colonel," Mustang's voice carefully covered the anger building in his chest, "you would do well to carry on smartly."

"Or what? You'll let your puppy off his leash?" the scrawny man's mustache twitched with his every word.

"You should be careful what you wish for," Ed's voice was dangerously calm, he took a half-step forward, testing Roy. Roy didn't tighten his grip, but he didn't let the boy go either.

"And what are you going do, boy?" Bodaka slid a hand into his pocket.

Roy immediately pulled his subordinate closer to him, out of the way of whatever danger Bodaka could present.

"Always on edge, Mustang," Bodaka taunted, slowly pulling chapstick out of his pocket.

"That's _Colonel_ Mustang to you," Edward spat, once again fighting Roy's hand. "Show some fuckin' respect!"

"Listen to the little dog bark," Bodaka grinned and leaned in close, but still out of Ed's reach, "woof woof."

"Mustang?" a deep voice easily recognizable cut through Edward's anger like a hot knife through butter. The group turned around to see Fuhrer King Bradley watching them. It was also at this time that the painful silence of the once loud party was noticed.

"Forgive me, sir," Roy lowered his head briefly before jerking Edward back to his side.

"Not at all," Bradley's eye settled on the Lieutenant Colonel. "Let him loose."

"Sir?" Roy was startled by the command. Edward wasn't quite as hesitant.

Taking advantage of Roy's surprise, Edward dashed forward, breaking the colonel's grasp and charging Bodaka. The sound of bone meeting auto mail with a crunch resonated throughout the room. Bodaka fell to the floor, blood pooling on the marble floor from the gash in his face and from the corner of his mouth. He slowly got to his knees, the most he could do before falling forward, landing on his elbows, spitting out several chunks of tooth before being dragged up by his collar.

"Bastard," smoldering golden eyes seared directly to his soul as the ice-cold finger of fear trailed down his spine as Ed drew his fist back again, "I'm the only one allowed to insult Mustang."

Ed's fist dropped low and connected with several of Bodaka's ribs. Again, Bodaka found himself on the floor, coughing and sputtering.

Edward crouched so he was down on Bodaka's level. He grabbed Bodaka's chin with his auto mail hand, jerking the man's face up so he could look into his eyes.

"Woof woof," Ed's hand moved to the back of Bodaka's head and slammed it into the marble floor.

Standing slowly, he wiped blood from his face before spitting on Bodaka's unconciuous form.

"Are you done?" Bradley lifted a cheerful eyebrow.

"Yes, sir," Edward nodded, chancing a glance at Roy.

Roy had a hand over his mouth, his eyes dancing with silent laughter.

-

Once they were outside, Roy burst into uproarious laughter, doubling over the railing of the picket fence that surrounded the Fuhrer's house.

"What?" Edward was getting annoyed as he absently tugged at the collar of the uniform for the hundredth time.

Roy calmed himself before answering, he turned his head slightly to look at Ed, "You're the only one allowed to insult me?"

Edward snorted, blushing slightly as he plainly answered, "Duh."

"Let's get out of here."

"I thought you'd never say that," Ed sighed expasperately as he pushed himself off the fence and began to walk down the drive. "Where the hell is Havoc with your car?"

Roy chuckled and followed, slinging his arm around Ed's shoulders as they walked.

"Don't be so angry, puppy," Roy chuckled, earning a rough shove and a growl.

-

Back at the car, Havoc was leaning against the driver's side door, smoking a cigarette and yawning. He eyed the pair as they approached him. Roy with his wide grin and Ed with an air of anger and annoyance.

"Something happen?" he asked.

"Talk about it later!" Ed shouted, clambering into the car on his own and slamming the door shut.

"Careful with the car!" Roy reprimended. "It's more expensive than any auto mail surgery!"

"Bite me, sir," was Ed's grumbled response as Roy climbed in beside him.

"Take us back to my place," Roy ordered Havoc. At the other alchemist's raised eyebrows he explained, "Ed, do you really want to go back and interrupt Al and Winry?"

Ed sighed and shivered in fear. He had done so once before and had earned several large wrenches to the back of his head for his trouble.

"Good point," he said, wrapping his arms around himself. Then, casting a side-long glance at Mustang, he asked, "You're not gonna molest me are you?"

Roy put on a look of mock horror, "No! Fullmetal, I am a high ranking officer of the Amestris Army and a battle-experienced state alchemist, what makes you think that I would ever lower myself to forcefully taking someone?"

Ed looked Mustang in the eye and said bluntly, "Because you're a dog among men."

"Do you want to get molested?" Mustang teased threateningly.

"No, you damned pedophile!"

"Then shut up."

Ed looked as if he was about to argue, instead he snapped his mouth shut and watched the back of Havoc's head, pointedly ignoring just how close the colonel was.

-

Back at Roy's own mansion, Roy led Ed to the kitchen. Plopping down on a stool at the large island, he watched as Roy manuevered fluidly through the kitchen. "Want a drink?" Roy asked over his shoulder.

Edward only gapes. His mouth is still hanging open as Roy offers him the small glass with its dark amber liquid and ice.

Roy finally just shoved the drink in Ed's hands.

"Fine," the boy growled, glaring at the older man who was now settling into the stool next to his.

"Fine," Roy mimicked, picking up a remote and turning on a television that Edward hadn't even noticed. The evening news unfolding in front of their eyes.

They eventually began to argue.

-

The first thing Edward noticed when he woke up was that his head was being split apart.

The second thing was the slight draft that should've been cold but wasn't due to him being in close proximity of a heater.

The third thing was that the warmth wasn't from a heater, but from one Colonel Roy Mustang.

Ed screamed.

-

The first thing that Roy noticed when he woke up was that there was someone screaming bloody murder and hitting him in the head.

The second thing was that there was blond hair involved. He didn't. Did he?

The third thing was that yes, yes he did.

Roy screamed.

-

Roy smirked at his protege from across his coffee cup, scaring his other subordinates in the process. Edward continued to skulk around the office, slamming things and cussing and making death threats under his breath.

"What happened last night?" Havoc finally asked, his eyes darting between Roy and Ed.

Edward flushed and shouted, "Nothing!"

Roy smirked and winked at Havoc.

"Nothing at all," the Flame Alchemist took a sip of his coffee.

-z-


End file.
